My 100 word story for (Coin operated)!!

Hello fellow viewers, Today have my 100 word story for my (Coin operated) FINALLY FINISHED!! So here it is!! (Red=planning writing & Black=100 word story) (You might have to zoom in by pressing: (Ctrl +)

Sentence 1 (character/scene)	At around about 1:00 pm a boy aged 5-7 was playing with his toy rocket ship while walking on the street with his mum.
Sentence 2 (character/scene)	While walking on the path the boy spots a coin-operated rocket ship. So he gets his coin and slides it in.
Sentence 3 (Conflict)	The boy was expecting to fly off into space.
Sentence 4 (Conflict)	But it only rocked back and forth. The boy was super depressed and threw his space helmet on the ground.
Sentence 5 (resolution)	The boy saves money by opening a lemonade stand to have another go at the rocket ship ride.
Sentence 6 (how characters have changed)	He got very old while he was saving his money. But his wish came true! He flew into space!

And here is the 100 WORD STORY!!: One sunny afternoon, A boy was playing with his toy rocket while walking with his mum. After a few seconds of walking he finds a rocket ship ride! He got his coin from his pocket and slid it into the machine. He jumped in with excitement thinking that he would fly off into space. But really all it did was rock back and forth. The boy was so depressed that he threw his hat on the ground. After a few days, He opened a lemonade stand to save money and have another go at the ride. He got very old and finally he had enough money. So he dragged his sack of money to the machine and slid every single coin into it. He lunged in thinking that finally he could fly out into space! He pressed the button and as the last coin fell in….It WORKED! He FLEW UP INTO SPACE!

Question: What do you think about my writing? Do you have any feedback for me? 

BYEEEE~!